Anatilidie**

just a ramble about today...

2007-08-11T23:04:17Z

well today has been ok eating wise, yeah we went out to dinner but i didnt stuff myself like usual and it was early that we ate so again, not too bad. I think i'm starting to see my body change again, I'm still very far from happy but my clothes are fitting better and looking in the mirror today i still looked fucking fat but maybe just a little less...maybe. I'm going to keep it up though, I cant wait for people to look at me and and envy my body again. It doesnt matter whether i see that i'm slim again or not, i know its vain but i just want people to envy me again. Maybe even then guys will find me attractive again and people wont look at me like a disgusting fat cow whenever i walk into a clothes shop...jesus i really cant wait. That is my main motivation.

Its still fresh enough in my mind that i can remember what it feels like to be thin and have people look at me for good reasons and think that i'm thin and pretty. That feeling is better than anything i have ever experienced. Just being able to put on clothes without thinking 'i'm too fat to pull this off' or 'maybe i should get the next size up' or 'this would look really good if i was 2st lighter'...i know i'll get there as soon as i can and if that means stopping eating all together then so be it. I want to be happy and healthy but unfortunately theres something thats managed to convince me that thin comes first.

Right anyway its getting late and i'm tired. I'm going out with my mates tomorrow but i'm going to eat as lil as poss. i have to keep this up, i know i can. This means the world to me and i wish everyone else understood but i guess if they did then this wouldnt be as hard as it is and i wouldnt be posting on here so meh...

Anyway night night

A x

new weight loss plan

2007-08-10T22:06:17Z

So...

I haven't posted for aaaaaaaages. I guess I've just been busy, yeah busy getting fucking fat. But anyway I don't want to dwell on that cos it'll only make me depressed and right now I just want to move forwards and get rid of this weight thats trapping me inside my own body. I hate it so much, I'm getting to the stage where these thoughts of NEEDING to lose all this weight are filling my mind literally every waking moment. I dont want this feeling of hating my horrible self to consume me anymore, I just want to be thin again and I want to see results soon. I went through a few weeks of blaming other people for my weight gain but then realised that I am the only person who can control what I put in my mouth and ultimately if i lose or gain weight and from now on i am going to LOSE weight. Every single day until I reach my goals.

I want to lose 40lbs to start with. It sounds a lot but I now i can do it, I've done it before. I know its hard work but i'm willing to go through the slog of each and every painstaking day to get where I want to be. I need to do this to prove to myself that I have self control and willpower and can make myself into that person again where I was thin.

I have a new plan which is restrict to under 600 calories everyday, do between 30mins-1hr of exercise a day and keep track of my progress on here by posting whenever i can. I'm also going to make a thinspo book and record my weight in there to keep me motivated. I need to buy new scales but that I'll need to do on Monday when my parents are at work. I also came across this community that has a '28 day plan' where you get points for different things each day so I'm going to start that on Monday as well which will be something for me to focus on as well.

My first goal is to fit back into my lovely dress that I was bought for xmas and could hardly fit into :-( and i want to do this buy my birthday with is on october 21st. I really hope i can do this, no scrap that i WILL do this! I had 3 good days this week and its only been today i screwed up so i'm starting again and this time i WILL make it work.

Anyway, so i'll be posting much more on here and will try and make some friends to share experiences with and to give each other support. I know it'll be a hard journey but it will be worth it in the end, i cant wait to be thin once again, its all i've ever wanted...

A x

grey, but not raining

2007-05-30T09:37:13Z

How weird was the weather yesterday?! After posting a big rant about how much it was raining it immediately cleared up and then it was gooooorgeous and sunny without a cloud in the sky till like 10pm! I was all set to stay in and have a sulky day watching movies when my mum came home :-(. Quite strangely i actually really love being home alone all day but anyway she was supposed to be going to stafford to help my bro move out of halls cos he's moving from uni back to a place at home for the summer. Anyway there was a huge crash on the motorway so she had to turn back.

Anyway, that meant i had to eat lunch :-( i usually dont eat anything during the day(mostly why i like being on my own) and eat as little as i can at tea but yesterday i had to eat. I almost got busted for being on here to cos its my step dads computer and she went on to check the history and saw all the proana sites but i just said it was a link someone had sent me. I know she didnt believe me tho, i think she knows i'm slipping back to ana. I was in hospital cos of my ed for a couple of months last year but i put on so much weight (eugh!) that they were so convinced i'd ''recovered''. Maybe i had, for a bit. Everything seemed so much easier, no more fights over food, no more passing out, constant worrying etc...but i wasnt happy. I felt fat and ugly and disgusted that i'd forced ana away just to please other people.

Now i've got my determination back, i NEED to be thin again. I used to be like 85lbs and i'm 5'6'' and i'd so much rather be that than this fat blob i am now. I'm still waiting to be accepted by the proana group on here but i've been watching it everyday and the people on there are so amazing and so strong and give each other so much support. I cant wait to start chatting with them :-).

Anyway so far today i've only had a black coffee - 0 calories and have done 200 crunches. Am guna do 30 minutes on my stepper then spend all afternoon tidying my room which will be pretty heavy labour lol! Hope everyone (tho i bet no one even reads this but anywho) has a good day.

A xx

rain rain and err more rain

2007-05-29T11:21:30Z

well guess what, its raining! its been raining for about 3 days non-stop and i've just felt shit all that time. I get really bad SAD (Seasonal affective disorder shit) but err hang on, its nearly summer haha. So technically i should be on top of the world but the weathers crap so i feel pretty down. Actually as i'm typing this then suns coming out and i'm feeling a bit better lol. I think i'm a bit ill anyway tho, got really wet and cold yesterday so i think i may have caught a bit of a cold so i'm just lazing around today cos i feel dizzy everytime i get up.

Only thing i'm a bit worried about is that i tend to binge quite badly when i'm in all day on my own, i cant even lock myself away from food cos my house is so small and none of the doors close properly. I just find it so hard to keep myself motivated and occupied when i'm feeling down and just end up stuffing myself to feel better but then i get stuck back in the binge/purge cycle and hate myself even more. I cant even motivate myself to type anything vaguely coherant or insightful which is supposed to be what i'm good at.

I know this weekend i've put back on all the weight i lost last week so i'm really pissed off at myself. I NEED to lose weight i'm SO fat its disgusting. I just want to be thin and beautiful again. I dont want to lose my determination but i feel like i'm slipping further and further into the depression that has crippled me before. I want to care but i just dont have the energy. I just wish i had people to talk to you about all this. I'm so lonely here at the moment, i wish i could make steady friends more easily, I can make friends fine but they either just want to fuck me or lend them money.

Anyway i'm guna go watch some crappy tv and TRY not to binge. I need strength...

Ax

First post...

2007-05-25T12:36:21Z